Raising another human is difficult. Relieve some of the stress with these discreet, manageable dosed cannabis products.
National Parenting Week exists because parenthood is physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually draining. Let’s face it, one gender recognition Sunday a year is a pretty paltry form of parental appreciation. We deserve a whole week of pats on the back.
Facts are facts: No matter how awesome, bright, and amazing your kids are, being responsible for other human beings can sometimes be super dumb. Parenting takes tremendous energy, focus, and intention, and it can be easy for a caregiver to overlook their own needs, especially when it comes to self-care of the galactic brain. This is why Parenting Week should be completely co-opted by stoner parents.
Even when using cannabis as medicine, flying for sesh after sesh isn’t an option for most mums and dads, so having a storage box strewn with discreet and manageably dosed items is a crucial part of the pothead parents playbook. So while Parenthood Week may have already passed (it technically ended on October 21), it’s not too late to congratulate yourself for doing the hardest job in the world: making good people. And if you’re a childless homie, for Gawd’s sake, use this article as motivation to fill your parent friends’ storage boxes.
Hapy Kitchen Uplift and Relax Tinctures
When your child has pushed you beyond your limits and you feel like steam is starting to shoot out of your ears, the last thing he’s going to do is relax while you eat a thick bar of cannabis chocolate in front of him, as satisfying as that can be for the parent. Instead, take it easy with a microdose of one of Hapy Kitchen’s tints, which deliver a glow that can be maintained on even the toughest days. When taken sublingually, these solutions can produce effects similar to the weed you smoke. When drizzled over a bagel or bowl of oatmeal, the effects will be closer to that of an edible.
TO BUY: The Canna Shoppe, 6316 NE Halsey St., 503-660-5209.
Mellow Vibes Gourmet Jar Corn
Personally, I recommend the white cheddar jalapeño variety of this medicated popcorn not only because it’s delicious; if your child asks for it, you can always say “no, it’s too spicy” instead of “no, it’s dope”, thanks to the heat of the peppers, and you’ll be completely honest. These bags of popcorn contain 100 milligrams of THC in total, so snacking on a kernel or two every few hours can provide a very manageable mood boost without completely knocking the user out. For those longer days when extra patience and joy are needed, this spicy snack could be the key to your parenting success, or at least the key to avoiding your own crisis.
TO BUY: Cannabis Curb, 4069 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 971-255-1542, cannabiscurb.com.
Crispy Laurie Cheese Crackers + Mary Jane
Laurie + Mary Jane’s Salty Crackers are low-dose treats that deliver a super silky, chewy buzz. Each cracker contains around 3 milligrams of THC, which can easily be split in half for a stimulating microdose. All of this local company’s formulations use full-spectrum infused coconut oil, rather than solvent-based extracts or concentrates, so even at low doses, expect robust, full-body effects that linger even longer. when the more buzzy elements of the effect have evaporated.
TO BUY: Gram Central Station, 6430 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-284-6714.
Portland Baked Sauce
For any parents who keep hot sauce in their bags, consider adding a mini bottle of Pot Sauce, a vinegar-based chili condiment with 50 milligrams of THC per 10 milliliter bottle.
Available in three different heat intensities, they have the same salty-spicy complex taste of Tapatío or Crystal, while delivering a very light dose (less than 5 milligrams of THC per hit) of cannabis. Bonus: the tiny bottles of Pot Sauce look like a cross between biohazardous glue and demonic eye drops, so there’s virtually no chance of accidental confusion, unless your child likes nuclear hot sauce, in which case, perhaps avoid this product altogether.
TO BUY: Potter friends, potmatespdx.com.
Luminous Botanicals Sun Syrup
Sun syrup is one of the most treasured medicines in my pantry. This lemony, honeyed tonic is the perfect replacement for traditional sweeteners in tea or coffee, and at 1,000 milligrams of THC per bottle, a little can go a long way. I’ve drizzled this syrupy concoction over donuts, French toast, and even apple slices. Luminous Botanicals can be trusted to deliver therapeutic-grade products, the bright flavors never feel overdone, and the company’s organic approach never wavers. That means her Medicine still feels equal parts holistic and fun, which is a vibe that many parents can draw on.
TO BUY: Gnome Grown Dispensary, 5012 NE 28th Ave., 971-346-2098, gnomegrownorganics.com.